You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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