Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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