my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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