it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
