Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
