When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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