I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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