I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
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I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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