we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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