Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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