well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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