my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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