When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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