Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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