i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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