U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you win again, gameday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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