Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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