Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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