just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
