Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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