guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
