i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
