How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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