We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
