Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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