how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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