He had one of those small greek statue penises
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
