I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
