I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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