Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
