If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
