Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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