the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize