So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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