Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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