I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
