You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
