he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just high enough for therapy.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
