i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
