If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
