can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
