A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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