Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
