i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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