He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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