a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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