you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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