Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
