so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
