those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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