is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
