my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
