Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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