So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
