Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
