just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
