the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
