Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
