If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
