If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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