textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
