He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
